It'd happened for more than often. I'd envied people around me for so long already. I know. I'm insecure. I dunno what a great amount of bless God had and will give to me. A family; though problems (some are so tough to go through) love us so much. A higher education which I had planned since years ago but I still half believe I can achieve it. The opportunities which I had waited for approaching me for almost two years of waiting. More than enough love and laugh from and with the beloved people surround me. But, hey! I'm not a saint who will feel everything is ENOUGH. I'm a common human being. I dunno what Enough is.Our beloved Prophet said that enough in the case of money is, when you can fulfill your needs from the sun rises till it sets, from the money you earn from that one day. But I want more. I want beautiful.dresses to wear. I tempt nice bags and delicious foods. Am I that sinner? Am I so?
Mommy said to me, I should not look at my self only. Look at the people who are being lower than me. Actually it's about the civil servant entrance exam in which I was failed at. My friend, a good friend of mine, passed the test and she will leave for a brand new life. Brand new future in her hometown where she will settle in a very good job. I envy! I'm happy for her. And precisely my happiness will be greater if I WERE in the same position as her. As the chosen.
I tried so hard to block my mind from thinking if only those 4 people who pass the exam unpredictably forget to check the website where it was officially announced or something (not till the point they got hurt) happened so the people under their names in the list up to replace them. What a f¥¥k!!! Shame on me!
This week will be one of the happiest moment for my parents. Our eldest sister will get married. Something they had waited patiently for long time. It will be the first wedding in our family. How my dad had tried his best to be healthy from being hospitalized two times in 2014. Just to welcome his daughter's dream comes true. I just think if I passed the test, my parents' happiness will be multiple.
I am a wise girl to friends in trouble. I advised them with care and sincere. I uttered the best words my brain can produce to make them sure if everything will be okay in the end. Like anon said, if it's not okay, it's not the end. But why are those pretty phrases not applicable to me? To my mind, exactly.
I know I'm foolish. I have a typical South East Asian girl eye size, kinda big eyes. But I can't see what a blissful life I have. Now I have an excuse to be more pathetic: I need a mirror to look at my self. And the mirror doesn't exist.
I do not want to be cursed. I want to reflect my self to others:
~ There are still some friends, some people I know, still can not earn money on their own. While I can! It's not a big amount of money I earn monthly but I rarely ask mommy just to fulfill my side needs.
~ Too many people are getting too many problems with their education. I can climb to higher level and some issues spread that started this year, postgraduate will be more 4 years to finish. I felt kinda late to apply to my postgraduate due to the higher cost fee than last year. But thinking the 4 years I will have to go through if I am late another one year kinda entertain me. But can I nag last once more (for this paragraph only), if I applied one year faster, I had been in the third semester and the cost is cheaper. *got kicked by Mt. Fuji*
~ My family is completely happy. Problems love us. But problems love everyone on this planet called Earth. They knocked every door and impolitely enter your life. Alhamdulillah, thanks God. He had kept us hundreds solutions for each problem. Just we can find them rightly or not. Every problem are solvable. It's only our decision to break it or just let it stay still.
~ I love my students. Do you know this feeling? Kids (they are teenagers, actually) from nowhere whom you acquainted with in a place called school. You and them introduced yourselves alternately. And the time flies. You realized how you hope the best come to each student you teach.
What I'm sad for? It's not shaming to say my self is a religious person. I believe in God has setted up the best future for me. For my family.
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